Warning! rant ahead!. Let me preface this by saying that I still believe that by God’s grace and help, I’ll get over this and find something to do about it. But as of now, these are some of the feelings that I need to vent out. So, here we go:
I haven’t been feeling quite good about everything, especially life and career directions, for a couple of weeks now. Seems that I’m not satisfied at where I am in life right now. I keep telling myself that I should be thankful for a great job, wonderful family and supportive friends, and yet there’s this sinking feeling inside that something just isn’t right, and it’s even more frustrating because I can’t really find any solution to it right now.
It starts with a seemingly endless journey in all aspects of my life. In my career, there are tons of things to improve in and being in Information Technology especially – a never-ending battle to keep in touch with the newest and greatest trends, which sometimes make me question my own skills and abilities. It seems that everyone in IT has the same skills I have and there’s no way I can keep working in IT before some young kids with brilliant minds come up and kicks my generation out the door. It’s the frustration of being a jack of all trades, but master of none. Nobody wants to hire someone like me who can do multiple things very well, and yet have no certification or am not considered an expert in one thing.
Of course management is an option for the future, but to get from where I am to management would require me to learn all the politicking and bureaucracy and all these abstract concepts and methodologies that are so hard to implement in real life, while trying to keep from being disillusioned and driven crazy by all those. The more I look at management, the more I realize how hard it is to make it to the top working in a corporate environment, and don’t feel that it’s what I want to do, especially thinking about the time it would take to get to a senior management / C level status.
Which brings me to try my own business ventures of course, and without any business background or experiences, seems too hard to accomplish. Statistics is of course against any small business owner trying to make a full time living of it, and it takes lots of time, which I don’t mind spending, except that I don’t have any *sigh* I really do want to make it on my own and spend time with my family more, but can’t seem to find a way to do it since I need to work full time to support my family. It’s a Catch-22 situation for me right now.
My dream is to be able to work my own business at what I am strong at, and make a good living of it, so I can enjoy life with my family (hey… isn’t that the dream of almost every single person on the face of the earth? :)) Accomplishing this is very hard to do, and I can’t seem to find a way to even start.
I always grew up thinking that computers and IT was what I loved to do, and was going to do for life, and yet these last few months have made me question myself, whether I’m supposed be an IT guy, whether I’m still passionate about technology and whether I’m any good at it compared to the millions of IT guys out there, plus the fact that even at a good salary like I’m earning right now, I barely make enough to support the family. Seems like I’m supporting the government with a large chunk of my paycheque everytime.
So, doing business and investing came up in the last few years, but I haven’t managed to do anlything at all with all these ideas running in my head. It’s all bottled up somewhere in my mind with no way of getting out or expressing itself. I have no idea how to market, promote or sell products, and have no capital to start up anything or invest in anything.
I guess those are the big sources of frustration in my life right now. Living has become a gigantic hamster wheel for me it seems, with me trying to get somewhere, but limited by my situation, be it time or finances. *sigh* Hope everybody else is in a better phase of their life right now, doesn’t feel good at all to be in this kinda situation.